A swift kick in the...
by Mims
Summary: Poor Buffy, she can't say no to Spike and she has no feelings. Anyone sick of it and want the good old Buffy we all came to know and love back? So does Joyce


Author's notes: Okay, first I say I used to be okay with Spike as a character and just didn't like B/S. After seeing dead things, I now have a BIG problem with Spike. This fic is my opinion on things, so if you like B/S, I warn you to turn back now, because you will not like what follows.  
  
As a side note, I wrote this rather quickly so if the grammar and such is not stellar, I apologize.  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Buffy, I would have let her stake Spike in season 4 and none of this would have ever happened. But since it has, I write my response.  
  
Rating: R  
  
A swift kick in the  
  
Buffy was dreaming. She found herself in her living room, sitting between Willow and Xander with Giles lounging in her easy chair and Dawn laying on the floor. Buffy looked around. They all seemed so happy. She caught her reflection in the old TV movie they were watching, and she looked happy too. (That's new.)  
  
Buffy's Mom came into the room. (Mom. I miss you.)  
  
"Hey guys, could I have a few minutes alone with Buffy," she asked quietly. The others exchanged knowing looks. Xander and Willow gave her reassuring shoulder squeezes. Giles gave her a fatherly look, and Dawn flashed her a loving smile.  
  
"Mom, what's this all about?" Buffy asked when the room had emptied.  
  
"Buffy, do you remember when you left, after you had to send Angel to hell?"  
  
(Pull any punches Mom) "Yeah," she replied quietly.  
  
"Do you remember how bad you felt, what you were going through?"  
  
"Yeah." (What's this all about?)  
  
"That's what they went through," Joyce pointed to the kitchen, where Xander, Willow, Giles and Dawn were talking to each other.  
  
"No, they didn't," Buffy said angrily. (How could they have any idea?)  
  
"What makes you think that?"  
  
"They didn't blame themselves, they didn't send me to hell," she said coldly.  
  
"You know that for a fact huh?"  
  
"Yes." (I was in heaven. They ripped me out and that was worse)  
  
"Did you ever ask them how they felt?" Joyce raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
"Yes," Buffy replied.  
  
"Really, when?"  
  
"Well," she faltered, "I'm sure we talked about it, some."  
  
"You were never going to tell them about heaven Buffy, when did you have time to talk about it?"  
  
"Well, I don't know. So what, who cares," Buffy spat out angrily at her mother. (Quit it)  
  
Joyce smiled at Buffy. "So, you didn't really know how they felt, did you?"  
  
"I guess not," Buffy sighed. (I want to wake up already)  
  
"So, you didn't know Dawn blamed herself everyday, telling herself it should have been her that died?"  
  
"No," Buffy sighed heavily. (I just want this to end)  
  
"And you didn't know Mr. Giles thought of himself as a failure everyday, because he couldn't protect you?"  
  
"No."  
  
"And you didn't know Willow felt guilty because she was so concerned about saving Tara that she wasn't able to save you?"  
  
Silence.  
  
"And you didn't know that Xander blamed himself for the doc opening the portal, since he didn't making sure the doc was dead before he left?"  
  
More silence.  
  
"I didn't think so. So, what do you feel know?"  
  
"I feel nothing," Buffy said coldly. "That's my problem."  
  
"Buffy, you won't let yourself feel," Joyce said, a concerned look crossing her face.  
  
"I'm supposed to be done with all of that. You must know what it's like, to be in heaven," Buffy said, her voice a mixture of hope and concern.  
  
Joyce smiled at her daughter. "I do." Buffy smiled, for the first time since her dream had started. Joyce decided to change directions.  
  
"Buffy, what else do you remember about sending Angel to hell?"  
  
"Why does this matter?" Buffy replied, letting her no feelings persona come over her. (Boy, will she get off this already)  
  
"You need to understand your role, and theirs," Joyce said cryptically.  
  
"Cryptic much Mom?"  
  
"What happened in the end?"  
  
"What do you mean, in the end?" Buffy asked.  
  
"What helped you feel better about Angel?"  
  
"Well, he came," she stopped, and Joyce nodded, so she finished, "back."  
  
"I see this is familiar territory we're treading on."  
  
"But Angel was in hell," Buffy returned. (I was in heaven)  
  
"Do you know why he was brought back?"  
  
Buffy sighed, again. "PTB had a great plan for him, higher purpose deal."  
  
"Gee, sounds like someone else I know."  
  
"BUT THE PTB DIDN'T BRING ME BACK, THEY DID!" Buffy screamed, losing control of her emotions. Tears streamed down her face. "I was safe, and warm in heaven. Angel was in hell. I was supposed to be finished. He was being saved."  
  
"Buffy," Joyce said softly, she had moved her arms around the girl and held her. Buffy sobbed into her mother's arms. They stayed this way for a long time. Joyce stroked her daughter's hair over and over, soothing Buffy just like it had when she was a child. When Buffy had calmed down, Joyce kissed the back of her neck.  
  
"Buffy," she said softly. "The PTB didn't bring you back, because they knew who would."  
  
Buffy stiffened in her mother's arms. "You mean," she couldn't finish.  
  
"If they hadn't, the PTB would have. But, since you had done such a great job, PTB decided to let you rest until the gang could do the spell. Instead of being stuck in limbo or some other dimension, they let you rest in heaven. They didn't realize how hard it would be for you to leave, they made a mistake. And PTB don't like to make mistakes."  
  
Buffy broke away from her mother's embrace and looked her in the eyes. "That's why you're here, isn't it?"  
  
Joyce nodded. "They allowed me to crossover to reach you. This is not a dream Buffy."  
  
"Will I remember this?" she asked hopefully.  
  
Joyce seemed to consider this for a moment before responding. "Yes and no. The specific details, no. But the feelings and emotions you come to deal with here, yes."  
  
Buffy took this as a small victory. "So, let me get this completely straight. If the guys hadn't brought me back, PTB would have. And the only reason I got to go to heaven was to rest." (I was too hard on the guys, great just another thing to feel bad about)  
  
"Like a priest who takes a sabbatical," Joyce said.  
  
"I'm no priest," Buffy said sadly.  
  
"You mean Spike." Not a question.  
  
"Yes," Buffy answered it anyway. (I can't help it, he understands me)  
  
It was Joyce's turn to sigh. "Buffy, I know he's done some good, helped with the slaying and all, but he's not a good being."  
  
"I'm drawn to him, I think that I," Buffy couldn't finish, she was about to break down again.  
  
"No." Joyce said firmly.  
  
"What?" her mother's tone set Buffy aback.  
  
"That is not love Buffy. You were drawn to him because you mistook your fall from heaven as a punishment. He thought that the only thing you deserved was Spike. But he's manipulating you, telling you that you don't deserve real love and happiness. That you and he are together because you belong with him in the darkness."  
  
"And I don't?" Buffy asked quietly. Joyce could tell everything hung in the balance now.  
  
"You know why PTB didn't send me back?" Joyce asked.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"I did what I was supposed to do, I fulfilled my higher purpose. I raised two wonderful daughters, even if I only technically raised one," she smiled at Buffy. "And I know, that you don't belong in the darkness."  
  
"I can't say no to him," Buffy sighed. (He lets me feel, even if it was only darkness)  
  
"Yes you can!" Joyce said determined. "I raised you and I know darn well what you're capable of doing. Spike is inside your head, because you let him. Only you can kick him out. He lets you feel because you only let yourself feel pain and darkness and anger. That's all he can offer you. You think you don't deserve happiness, so you can't feel it.  
  
"He doesn't love you. He wants you, but the way he treats you," Joyce shook her head but went on. "Granted, it's amazing a soulless creature can harbor feelings like he has at all, but he doesn't respect you. He just wants you. He doesn't care about anything else. Do you know he stayed with Dawn because he secretly hoped that PTB would send you back, see him watching over Dawn and fall for him. He's using you and you have to stop him at the emotional level. After that, whatever happens, happens." Joyce let out a slow breath.  
  
"You mean, killing him?" Buffy asked.  
  
"That's the easy way out Buffy. Just to kill it, sweep up the dust and hope it stays hidden. It can't stay hidden forever. Before you can even think about killing Spike, you need to deal with your feelings for him. Then, you may or may not have to kill him. But, to let him have that control over you, that's not my girl. You let yourself believe that you weren't my girl anymore, that you were dark, unworthy and unwanted and that's not true."  
  
"But you always hurt the ones you love," Buffy said.  
  
"Not like you two hurt each other. Like you and Willow and Xander have hurt each other over the years. It hurts because you care so much, not because you beat each other to a bloody pulp. That's called an abusive relationship Buffy."  
  
"Mom, I'm not that strong, I can't do it, I can't be you," Buffy whined.  
  
"No one's asking you to be me. You have more than ample number of friends who want to help you, all you have to do is ask."  
  
"And I get through this?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Only time will tell, but if I know my daughter, than I think things can get better."  
  
There was a long silence. Buffy felt, something. She felt love. She finally had closure with her mother, and she now knew why she was back. It wasn't a punishment. Heaven had been a gift, a break. She was supposed to realize that and know why she was fighting the good fight. And she did now. All it took was a swift kick in the ass from her mother.  
  
When she woke up, she could deal. She could talk to Xander, Willow, and Dawn. She would call Giles and ask him to return. And she would end her, (relationship wasn't the right word) her icky ordeal with Spike.  
  
"Where are Tara and Anya?" Buffy asked suddenly as she realized who was missing from her group.  
  
Joyce smiled slightly. "Some people come and go in and out of our lives. But, of course, you won't remember that."  
  
"I like Tara, and I sort of like Anya," Buffy whispered.  
  
"Hush, don't worry about that. Work on what you have. They love you more than anything," Joyce pointed to the kitchen, "Don't ever forget that."  
  
"I won't, never again," Buffy said determined. She hugged her mother tightly. "Thank you," she whispered over and over again.  
  
"I just think of it as my last chance to nag," Joyce smiled, despite the tears she knew where forming in both her and her daughter's eyes. "I love you Buffy, carry that with you forever. I'm okay, and you will be too."  
  
"I know. I love you Mom. I'll make you proud, promise."  
  
"I know you will, you always do."  
  
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Buffy opened her eyes. She blinked and looked around her. She had a strange new sense about her, a calm she hadn't felt since her return. Her first thoughts were that she actually WANTED to talk to her friends. (The people who loved and cared about me) But what Buffy noticed most, was her lack of desire to go and see Spike. She didn't ache for his touch to make her feel. She felt, fresh.  
  
(This is going to be a whole new day for Buffy Summers)  
  
If I get enough positive feedback, the flames will come I know and I can't stop them, I will write what happens the next day. Tell me if interested. 


End file.
